Do me a favor baby don't reply,

I feel like the past few months have been overwhelming. I’m legally an adult, but I secretly just want to curl up into the fetal position and listen to the Libertines like the ‘good ol’ days’. Things have gotten so complicated, or my emotions at least. I’m leaving the east coast on January 24th to go back to Las Vegas (AMEN). These past few months have been absolute hell trying to figure out things for school (kids, it isn’t easy being a first generation college student), moving, financials, emotional issues. I got fired for the first time. It’s really sad when people you think are your friends will rat you out in a second to save themselves. It’s also sad considering I got fired for being a good friend. But hey, that’s life I suppose, and I should be used to that by now. I came across some insurance money which is paying for my trip to Vegas. It’s weird how something that had impacted me in such a negative way (and still does) is helping me get back to the place I never wanted to leave. I am a mess of emotion right now. I’m scared, excited, anxious, sad, etc etc etc.

I really just don’t want to fail. I’m being so fucking selfish by leaving by myself, but everyone is entitled to their moments. I feel like for so long I have been trapped (for lack of a better term) by my mother and her mental gnar, I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be her scapegoat anymore or her only reason for existence.

So there. No fancy metaphors, no impressive vocabulary words, no alliterations. Just some random words thrown together with some meaning.

Every day, I think back to that day, and I think of what could have gone differently, what I could have done recently. The answer is always the same: nothing. I can still write stories where everything ends up as I wish it would have.

Two very important people in my life have passed away in the past twenty days now. My mom lost her job. I no longer have mine.

SWAMPED.

I hate when I actually develop feelings for someone. I hate keeping them and tending to them. I hate the downs, but God, I love the ups. I want this to go right. I want a stable relationship as opposed to the bullshit I had for two years of my adolescent life. I really need something to go my way for once, please.

“Call me a safe bet, I’m betting I’m not….”

Fingers crossed it all goes as planned.

I wanted to write a few letters on here, but I realized it’s pointless if I’m not willing to say who they’re for. I’m seriously considering getting emancipated because things have been so bad lately. I hate complaining, I really do, but when I do: it’s a valid complaint. I realize that a lot of you in Vegas have tried keeping in touch with me, and I don’t respond; I’m sorry. We haven’t had internet since we moved (despite how my mother says we’ll get it weekly), and I’ve lost a lot of (or deleted) phone numbers. I’d like to say my senior year is going pretty well academically. I’m beginning to write admissions essays for colleges, and I’m even trying to be involved. I’m also not failing any classes! I’ve met some really great people out here, and they’re making things easier for me. Comparatively, a lot of them are better than my friends in Vegas. However, there are four of you I miss terribly. Maybe you guys know who you are, and maybe you don’t. I think I’m getting pretty brave as well. It could just be the ‘what do I have to lose?’ mentality I’ve been forced into though. I’m noticing that a lot of the same issues I had in Vegas are starting up again here, and I’m not sure how to stop it. I knowmy time here is limited, but I just want to make the best of it now and stop thinking about all of the ‘what if’s’.

Only a few of you will know what this means, but keep your fingers crossed for December 18th!

Ich liebe dich.